Today I'd like to introduce you to one of my best friends, Sis Nikki. Sis Nikki has been a HUGE blessing in my life and has helped me overcome some really hard battles. I know God brought us together to help encourage and strengthen each other. I am so happy that she has agreed to share her testimony with you all. God has used Sis Nikki to heal so many scars in my life. I pray that He uses her to bless your life as well. Here is her story ...
I wrote this testimony November of 2009. I wasn’t sure at the time why but I felt God wanted me to write it down; and when I sat down to write it, it was like
someone else was using my fingers. I let my husband read it first, and it was
the first time he found out about a lot of the things in my past. Then I let my
sister in law read it and told her I thought maybe someday I would be sharing
it with many more people, but I hoped it wasn’t soon because I didn’t want to
do it! So then I did my best to tuck it away and tried to forget about it all.
I testified one night at church (Thanksgiving time last year) and stated that I
was glad that God reached down to the bottom of the barrel and took me out.
After that service Sarah's Father-in-law came up to me to shake my hand as always and
said “Sister Nikki, I can’t imagine you were ever on the bottom of the barrel”.
Again I believe God was edging me in this direction to share what He had asked
me to write down a year earlier. Recently I was talking to one of my “sisters”
and during our conversation God revealed to me that I had been letting the
enemy use my past against me and it was time to cut it out! And to the enemy who has tried to discourage
me from doing this I say:
Romans 8:31 "What shall
we then say to these things? If God be
for us, who can be against us?”
and 39: “ Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to
separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
James 5:16 "Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."
HERE IS MY TESTIMONY:
I am not writing this as a sympathy
quest or pity party invitation. I only pray it will be beneficial in others
healing, as well as perhaps my own.
I will start at the beginning when I
was born; my father was 20 and my mother 2 weeks shy of 19. They were newlyweds
with a 17month old daughter (Naomi) and now a new born (me). At one point we lived in my Nana and Grampy's
house, with total of 12 people living there. Then we moved into my great
grandmother’s house. As is always the
case there are two sides to the story of why their marriage didn’t work, but
whatever the reason their divorce was final the following year just before my
first birthday. My mother was apparently awarded custody ("at that time
fathers were not given custody" is what I was told). But being a single
mother with no means to provide for her children, no support from her family,
she would leave us with our Nana (my father’s mother). Most of the next little
while is a bunch of he said, she said, no one takes responsibility bla, bla,
bla. Looking back now I can see that it was God’s grace that landed me in my
Nana and Grampy's custody.
For the next 10 years I only have a
few memories of either my mother or father. My father would show up once in a
while with my little brother Vic from his second wife, a rented VCR from Sounds
Easy and the latest Royal Rumble WWF tape. He did live there after his second
wife divorced him, but not for long. Then he moved on and had several
"long term" girlfriends before getting married to Sue Ann and adopting
Alisha.
As for my mother, she also
remarried, when I was 3 1/2 and they had a son DJ a year later. But I only
remember seeing her on Naomi and my birthdays’, and around thanksgiving, and
then Christmas Eve. But other than that
she was not around. She told me later in life that she was told she was not
allowed to see us except for those times by Nana. And said she found out when I
was 16 that in the custody agreement she was given rights to see us every other
weekend.
Well my memories are few and far
between. I remember falling off my pony in 3rd grade, cracking my head open,
going to the ER for like 6 hours, laying
on the table while what seemed like every doctor in the world poked their
finger in my wound trying to figure out if my
skull was broken or not. Finally deciding it was cracked, stitched it up and sent me on my
way. The doctor wrapped the bandage around my head and then dipped 2 extra long
q-tips in iodine and put them in the wrap like feathers, then I got up off the table (after
6 hours!) and threw up all over the floor!
To top it all off we were most upset
about the fact that we missed the new episode of "High Way to
Heaven", Nana's favorite. I couldn’t go to the field trip to the common
ground fair because my wound got infected (just occurred to me, should of
expected that with all those people touching it!) But I do remember I had to
spend the day with my father because of missing the trip that Nana had promised
to chaperon Naomi. So I actually got to go with him and I remember he made me
homemade French fries. Other than slipping back in to the pool during swimming
lessons and putting my teeth through my bottom lip, I don’t really have too
many more memories.
I do remember fighting with my sister; doing
lots of chores (milking the goats, working in the hay field, dusting, dishes).
I had 2 different sets of cousins I got to play with once in a while. I really
loved catching frogs in my pond in the summer and ice skating on it in the
winter.
I know another time God watched over
us when Naomi, Jennifer, Jason and I went to the stream behind their house in
the winter and we decided to walk on the ice. I think 2 of them fell in, but we
(or He) got them out, we got in a lot of trouble for that.
But when it was just us at home
Nana, Grampy, Uncle Bart (their grown son with MR) Naomi and I, it was all work
and no play. Grampy was always doing up keep for the farm, Nana was always
baking something, Naomi was always watching tv. or reading, and I was always
working or doing dishes or some other chore ( I know Cinderella).
I don’t remember Nana ever talking
about God, I know she made sure we went to Sunday school at several different
churches. I remember going to Vassalboro, Penny Memorial, Green Street
Methodist and the Advent on rt.17. I actually went there last, until Naomi got
in a fight with one of the men about not eating meat (he was a hunter). But
Grampy always dropped us off, left, and picked us up later. But I don’t
remember learning anything; I know that sounds awful.
As we grew up she always said don’t
do this, don’t do that, but never told us why not to. I can actually remember
her telling me "don’t ever let a boy kiss you because, that means he wants
to do other things to you, and that’s bad". I had no clue what "other
things" were, I just knew not to let them kiss me!
I don’t remember Nana and Grampy
talking to each other, let alone showing affection. Grampy went to work, came
home, worked, ate supper, sat down to watch tv, and fell asleep, I do remember
an occasional outburst of anger. Nana did house work, cooked supper, sat down
to watch tv. Supper was silent, tv time was silent. In that house children were
seen and not heard, and seen as little as possible. I remember very few
comments my Grampy said to me, but the one that sticks in my head was when my
friend came over, I was like 11, and she brought makeup, and as little girls do
we put some on and thought we looked beautiful. He said "take that stuff
off, you look like a tv hooker" now at that time I didn’t even really know
what a "hooker" did but I knew it wasn’t a good thing to look like.
Of course looking back I am sure we didn’t look like he said, but it was very
crushing to hear for a girl who just wanted to be noticed.
When I was 12 my aunt divorced her
"abusive husband". She was planning on moving to Florida with her 2
children. My cousin happened to have a Ouija
board game, which he convinced me to use with him. I didn’t know what it
was, or what to do with it. But at the time we used it I knew he was moving to
Florida and he didn’t, and neither did the board! So I knew that it was not to
be trusted and no use in using it if it was going to give wrong answers.
Now
the hard part comes for me to share. I can’t even remember the circumstances
now but somehow my 14 year old cousin and I were left in the house alone. I was supposed
to help him pack, because they had sold the house. All I can remember is him
suggesting we play some strange game. I, being innocent and very naive, didn’t
even know what was going on. And over the
course of the next few weeks we had several encounters which were let’s just
say inappropriate behavior for a 12 and 14 year old, let alone cousins. And I
honestly think at the time the attention was a welcome thing for me, I really
don’t think I knew at the beginning it was wrong. Until of course I realized if
we were sneaking around it wasn’t right. It is all really sickening to me now
still.
I think feeling that guilt and blame
kept me scared from telling Nana after I realized it was wrong. Somehow I knew
she would blame me. So I just kept it to myself. In fact I never told anyone
until in my adult years my sister told me he tried stuff with her, but she told
Nana, and Nana didn’t believe her, and told her it was her own fault.
See Naomi had a lot
of “emotional problems” while we were growing up. She saw a lot of counselors
and such; Nana was always over compensating for Naomi’s “illness”. She claimed
she had brain damage from eating lead paint in my mother’s apartment as a
toddler (which seems impossible since the story was Mum never took care of us).
But I always felt it was spoiled child syndrome.
The next big chapter in my life is
when Grampy died. I was 16 and Naomi 17. And Nana, feeling free for the first
time in 44 years just kind of let everything go. Naomi would get to go out till
late hours, when she suspected anything Nana would send me along to
"chaperon" I guess figuring she would behave with me tagging along.
Naomi of course would take me, leave me in the car and go in and do I didn’t’
even want to know what!
I always thought I had done pretty well
at keeping out of trouble to this point. All that summer this boy form school
had been after my sister decided he wanted me instead. And he would call and
call and pester. So finally I agreed to start seeing him. Despite the fact he
couldn't wait for me and ended up sleeping with my best friend, for some reason
I became involved with him. He was a skater, guitar player in a band, but all
in all (I had convinced myself) he was a decent guy for me. It turned out he
was a real sicko, I had all kinds of people tell me stuff after the fact about
him I can’t even repeat. And long story short I wasted my "false innocence"
and 2 1/2 years of my life with him. Ironically enough he decided he didn’t
want to stop dropping acid and getting drunk to keep me. And until that last
month I had no idea he did any kind of drugs, he never invited me to do them
with him in fact he didn’t even want me around them when I did find out.
So at this point in my life I am 19,
trying to go to nursing school, working full time, I just got an apartment with
my friend; then shortly after another by my lonely self. Trying to live the
single life, all the while feeling so lonely and out of place. Despite
boyfriend #1’s "occasion visits" I had sworn off guys, I just didn’t
have time or the heart. Then I thought I had a spark somewhere, and almost on a
bet to myself I think, I made another bad decision that fell apart and ended up
in a "weekend stand" for lack of a better term; then there to comfort
me why boyfriend # 1 of course. It is really scary how quickly out
of control your life can spin when you don’t have roots to hold you down.
Well my newly found drinking buddy,
I didn't drink with her at first, just hung out. Her boyfriend went off to
"Job core". Her other friend started calling me and hanging around
me, then seems like he was just plain stalking me! I remember taking a walk to
the park near by one night and hiding in the playground till he left. He got
the hint after that.
So her boyfriend decided "job
core" isn't for him, too dirty and all, so he comes back to live with her,
and brings a friend. So somewhere amongst the dying brains cells all the drinking was causing his friend,
having "nowhere to go" as job core was his last chance with his
parents; ends up coming home with me. And we proceeded to live the couple years
together, in a multitude of sins. All the while he was “cleaning up”, getting
his GED, getting a job (or several, none lasted more than a paycheck or two.)
Every time I threatened to leave he talked about getting married and taking
care of me, bla bla, bla. He managed to keep me going for a while like that.
At this point I am still going to
nursing school full time, working 60 hours a week, to make rent, two car
payments, driving my Nana around because she had had a stroke and could no
longer drive. I am living in a slum
neighborhood, taken to drinking regularly, and just buying cigarettes for him.
Then one night he shows up with this cousin, who has no place to live, so guess
where he lives now?? You got it with me. I think that is when he started to
show his violent side. No he never hit me, just the wall an inch from my head,
or kicked the dog, or throw the cat across the room.
I think it didn’t really bother me because
that is how Grampy got, I never saw Grampy hit anyone, but when he got mad he
would throw stuff and yell a lot. My father tells me when he grew up he endured
daily beatings from my Grampy. I had convinced myself that as long as he wasn’t
hitting me it was ok.
Back at the apt: One night he was
supposed to pick me up at work 11pm and he didn’t show (again) and someone gave
me a ride home. I sat on the front landing and waited for hours. I smoked my
first cigarette that night, well first pack actually. I smoked from that night
on (like I needed another bill or sin in my life.) I remember one night his
rampage got so loud one of the neighbors called the police and they actually
came and knocked on our door. His cousin sat on the couch in the living room
right next to the door, he stood in the hall and blocked it so I couldn’t leave
the bed room and open the door, and I was too scared to say anything at that
moment. The police just left, no follow through or anything. It wasn’t very
assuring that they didn’t try harder to make sure everyone was ok, thankfully I
wasn’t really hurt.
As a bargaining tool for that makeup
the cousin had to go. So he took my car, and headed to Brunswick with him. Well
they got stopped, he had been drinking, got a ticket, and his cousin got
arrested for some reason unbeknownst to me. And somehow through this (after I
paid off his speeding ticket) we went on with our merry messed up life. We
moved to a different apartment (just in case the neighbors wanted to call the
cops again). I had bought him a car along the way, it wasn't good enough for
him so I went and traded it in for a Firebird (he probably got a lot more girls
in it than the Toyota).
And the cycle of
dysfunction continued till I got sick of it all, the lies, alcohol, pot,
fornication, bills, wondering where he was, he wrecked one car, blew up the
clutch in the firebird, till finally I told him the next night he didn’t come
home his stuff would be on the front step in a garbage when he did come back. I
guess he didn’t think I meant it, cause he didn’t come home again, and I packed
all his stuff in a garbage bag and left it on the step and left. I made plans
with my mother to help me move back home that weekend. And that is what I did.
I went and traded my dented up car
for a new one. For some reason I still don’t understand I let him take my new
car, I told him to fill the gas tank. That gas tank of gas cost me! He got in
crash, messed up my car, got arrested for drunk driving.
He kept after me for
a while. I was working 11pm-7am and on two occasions came out and found flat
tires on my car. I got an alarm for it and it went off a couple of times,
harassing phone calls etc. Then finally they all stopped and he was gone,
leaving nothing but a pile of bills behind!
That
is when I decided (at the ripe old age of 21) that I was never going to get
married, never have kids. I had found these cute little animals at the pet
store called chinchillas; I would just get me a couple of those and call it
good! However God had other plans for me, even before I was even sure He
existed!
My mother, who I had become quite
close to at this point, probably more than even realized, kept telling me about
these friends she had and he had a brother. This brother was a nice, innocent,
sweet boy, who was a hard worker, from a good family. I just didn’t think
what she was describing was even possible, having seen what I had seen out
there in the world. So I just kept putting it off. Then she got the friend
(Barry) to get all the parts to fix my car. Then she set it up so I would watch
their 5 year old son after she closed her daycare in the afternoon for like an
hour and a half. Which I really didn’t have the time for but I had the bills
for! So anyway I took the bait. And ended up meeting Barry and Kim, and they
seemed like nice people. Became friends with Kim, and she talked me into going
to the races to watch Barry race. Yes the mystery brother would be there, but
no strings attached.
So I went the last week of July, and
I never really believed in love at first sight, but I knew deep down inside
that I was going to marry that dirty grease covered man. I had never seen a
family work together the way they did. It just amazed me. So it took a while to
get it all started, but I just knew if I could get him away from baseball games
long enough, we'd have a good thing going! Four and a half months later we were
engaged. Some where in that 6 months I developed an ovarian cyst, and the
doctor informed me I would have to take The Pill for the rest of my life to avoid
the cysts, and if I wanted to get pregnant it would be a race to get pregnant
before the cyst came back. I also at some point that year had about of cervical
dysplasia. So at that point I let Jamie know that I probably would not be able
to have children, so if he wanted children he should look elsewhere. He said he
would take his chances. So we got married the next July. I took my last Pill on
the day we got married. We had Leann 11 months later and Jacob 22 months after
that.
When Leann was old enough Jamie’s
mother started taking her to Sunday school. Then somewhere along the way she
said "why do I have to go if you don’t have to?" So Jamie and I
decided we were going to start going.
We spent about 3 years there. And
amidst all the legalism and confusion that occurred there, there was a lot God
did for me while I was there, that I don’t usually remember to tell people
about. I gave my life to God there, I was delivered from cigarettes, and
alcohol, and I was baptized in Jesus’ name there, I got the revelation of one
God there. And I got close to my sister in law Stacy through working at the
school there. If Jamie's family hadn’t been so strong, and determined to live
for God, most likely none of us would have made it out of that battle alive for
God.
But I thank God that we did. And I
thank him for delivering me from generational curses, nicotine, alcohol, pot,
fornication and all those strong holds I wanted to pretend weren’t there. And I
thank him for bringing us to The Old Time Pentecostal Blood Bought Church. And
I thank him for the pastors, and the sisters there and their testimonies. And I
don’t mean to single anyone out or leave anyone out but, I believe God has put the
body together, and set certain sisters here, to aid in each other’s healing. We
can all relate in different capacities. From sharing knowing what it is like to
have our trust crushed time and again, yet in that common thread we find the
healing power of God. And it blesses me every time certain sisters give
testimonies of overcoming the same hurdles I faced with issues with my parents.
And I am trying to learn how to be a better sister, how to listen, how to love.
Yet I know I am far from a finishes product.
A Brother told this story about a girl who
was born with a deformed face. The doctor kept breaking the bones in her face
over and over again. She asked him “why do you do that? I want you to fix my
face not break it.” And the doctor replied "I need to break it so that I
can put the pieces where I need them to be so you will be beautiful" So
when I get to that place where I start felling all broken I try to remember
that God has allowed this broken part to make it fit in to HIS plan. I thank
God for picking up my pieces, and I am thankful He is still working on me!
Now I know that many of my past troubles were “self in-flicked” but most came from lack of having roots in God. And I also know now that each situation could
have been a lot worse with much worse results and the only reason they weren’t
is because God has a plan for my life, He always has since the beginning and I
am unable to put into words how thankful I am for His mercy and His grace.
Romans 5:1-5 Therefore being
justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By
whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice
in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that
tribulation, worketh patience; And
patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed;
because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is
given unto us.
And several times He has spoken to me saying that He has
washed away the pain and the past and will use it all to His Glory. I think
that’s what it is all about, not to see who can get there first, but how we can
help each other get there together. And that is why I thank God for this
church, and these Pastors and their wives; because they have so much love to
share and to teach us how to share:
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be God, even the
Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all
comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to
comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves
are comforted of God
2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power,
and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the
testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the
afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;
Romans 11:29-30 For the gifts and
calling of God are without
repentance. For as ye in times past have not believed God, yet have now
obtained mercy through their unbelief:
1 Corinthians 12:22-26 Nay, much more
those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary: And
those members of the body, which
we think to be less honorable, upon these we bestow more abundant honor; and
our uncomely parts have more
abundant comeliness. For our comely parts
have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more
abundant honor to that part
which lacked: That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same
care one for another. And whether one member suffers, all the members suffer
with it; or one member be honored, all the members rejoice with it.
underneath the triangle. (You can use a cutting board from your kitchen if you don't have a cutting ruler.) The ruler helps you pin the top layers together without pinning the layer underneath!
