My Testimony - Part 7 - My Darkest Days ... And God's Forgiveness!

My Testimony is very long so I'm dividing it into parts. Don't forget to read:
Part 1 - God Calls A Child!
Part 2 - A Path Of Sin!
Part 3 - Redemption - God's Amazing Grace!
Part 4 - Angel's Among Us!
Part 5 - 300 Days And Counting!
Part 6 - Sometimes You Just Have To Laugh!

This part is probably one of the hardest parts of my life to share. Mostly pride and shame are the reasons. But I believe it may help someone else and so I am willing to share it.


I did not always serve Jesus. I grew up believing in Him, and thought that was enough. I was a servant to myself. I did whatever I wanted, and made many bad decisions. The guilt of these decisions drove me to make even worse decisions until I was filled with so much self loathing and hate. I needed deliverance from myself. I needed a savior. Once I finally decided to serve God I knew I couldn't do it half hearted. God was helping me make better choices. He was helping me clean up my life, but it was many many years before I would learn to forgive myself.

I've always loved this picture!
When I fail he is right there ready to
forgive.

The guilt and self hatred I felt, mixed with all the pain from my surgeries led me to become a drug addict. Prescription medication is the proper term, but they were drugs, and I couldn't stop. I've asked myself over and over how a person trying to serve God to the best of their ability can become a drug addict. The answer is pretty simple actually. I started looking at the circumstances around me and not trusting God. I made excuses that I was in pain and needed them. And I WAS in pain. ALOT of pain. Both emotionally and physically. I started to have a fear that if I was in this much pain with the pills, what would I feel like without the pills? And I started taking more, just to be safe. After all more pills means less pain right?

I became cranky, mean, unapproachable. I knew what I was doing and nobody was going to tell me what was best for me. I was in pain and needed them, and that was that! I learned many tricks to get more drugs. (which I will not share! LOL) I had them stashed everywhere. In drawers, in closets, in clothes, under the bed. No matter where I was in the house I had a stash of pills close by, just in case. I even went so far as to carry them around the house and sleep with them. YES I WAS AN ADDICT! I'm sure Dustin threw away many bottles and hid them from me as best as he could. But every time he tried to talk to me about it I got angry and yelled, how dare he tell me I wasn't in pain. I had been through so much, didn't I deserve a break?

Our marriage became rocky. Not because he didn't love me, but because I convinced myself that he didn't love me. I became friends with people that were not good for me, and who didn't like Dustin. They convinced me he didn't trust me, and I believed them. I began to aim all my hatred and guilt at him. I made him the bad guy.

But even when we falter and stumble, God is close by. He brought a convicted drug dealer to our church fresh out of prison. This person got saved and began to witness to me. I had been going to church for years. I knew God! But God used this man to soften my heart. He began to tell me I had all the behaviors of being a drug addict. I was appalled! How could a Christian woman become an addict while serving God? But I knew in my heart it was true! I fell down on the floor and repented and asked God to help me. Then I did the only thing I could. I dumped all the pills in the toilet. I knew if I kept them around they would be a temptation. And the amazing thing was, I NEVER felt worse when I stopped taking them. Day by day I began to feel better. I had allowed the pills to hold me in bondage. And God used a drug dealer to witness to me. Although you may feel like you have nothing to offer, you never know who needs YOU!

Now that I was not snowed under I had to face reality. And that was I needed forgiveness. Not only from God but from myself. I wish I could tell you that this happened over night. But this was a long, slow, painful process. In order to forgive myself, I had to first accept that God forgave me. And when God forgives, he forgets, it's just like it never happened. I didn't have to repent over and over for my sins. I didn't have to beat myself up for the mistakes I made. I didn't have to see them for stumbling blocks, but use them as stepping stones to help me grow and change and be a better person. Forgiving myself is a daily step in my walk with Christ. I don't have to relive all my mistakes everyday. But everyday I do wake up and thank God for saving me from myself.

I also began working on my marriage. Love is a choice. And I could choose to love this man, or get a divorce. I chose to give love a try. I made myself tell Dustin everyday that I loved him and he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't believe a word of it, but I thought if I said it enough it might become true. I called him at work just to tell him I was thinking about him. I wrote him notes in his lunch to have a good day. Slowly I began to let the walls come down and I began to see him through new eyes. He wasn't the bad guy, and neither was I. We had just been through 6 horrible years and it takes a toll, both physically and emotionally. But we were determined to make it work, and God renewed our love for each other and began to remove the sadness. And today we are so close and love each other more then anyone else in the world.

God's forgiveness is beautiful, and he is right there waiting for you to come to him. We all struggle with things in our lives. We all have followed the wrong path and have strayed. We all have had days where we didn't treat people like we should. Let today be the day you begin to change. Whether you serve God everyday, have walked away from him, or never knew him. It doesn't matter. He's waiting for you to come to him. Don't hesitate or wonder what people around you might think. Just do what you know in your heart is right. Put down that thing that has held you in bondage. Make a conscious effort to tell someone you haven't told in a while, that you love them. Don't let another day go by. Let today be YOUR day.

"Lord, I thank you that I have gone through these trials. They have shown me that no matter what, you love me. In my darkest days, you are there for me. Forgive me Lord for the things I stumble on and help me grow and learn that I can put my trust and confidence in you. I have many weaknesses Lord, and I need your help to over come them. Thank you for showing me the way. Thank you for your daily guidance and instruction. And most of all your forgiveness, which I am so undeserving of. And you offer so freely. In Jesus' name AMEN!"

REFLECTIONS:
~Have you ever found yourself in a situation you never dreamed you would fall into? Did you listen to advice from your friends and family? Did you pray about it and seek God's help?
~Have you ever struggled with addiction? God can help you get the deliverance you need!
~Have you struggled with forgiveness? Sadly it took me many years to realize that God wants to forgive me, but he only can do it if I let him!
~Have you ever struggled with loving your spouse? Did you know that love is a choice? Fireproof and The Love Dare are great resources to help you with your struggles of love! God gave me the very same principles during my own battle!

***DISCLOSURE*** I am in no way telling anybody to throw away their pills. I am only sharing what happened in my life.
Thank you for following along with my testimony. If you are enjoying this series please share with your friends. Please continue to Part 8 - An Adoption Story ... Well Sort Of!


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My Testimony - Part 3 - Redemption - God's Amazing Grace!

My testimony is very long so I have divided it into chapters! Don't forget to read Part 1 and Part 2!

"Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. For the promise is unto you, and to your children, and to all that afar off, even as many as the Lord our God shall call." Acts 2:38+39

Dustin & Sarah's engagement picture!

I knew Dustin from High School. I don't know how or why he showed up at my house one day shortly after I returned from College, except that it was divine intervention! At first I was not welcoming to him. I thought he was going to be judgemental and condemning, like I deserved. In fact I braced myself for rejection once again. But Dustin was different. He showed me compassion that I had not felt before. I told him about my past and revealed to him my scarred heart. But he did not see me as an ugly, dirty person. He saw what I had the potential to become through the grace of Jesus Christ! And for the first time in over a year the walls around my hardened heart began to crack.

I told Dustin about my search for truth and he smiled. He brought me straight to the church I had been searching for. They were not afraid to preach against the dangers of sin and the destruction it brings. I knew this was truth, I had lived it. But they also taught me I could find redemption (deliverance of sinners from the bondage of sin and the penalties of God's violated law by the atonement of Christ).

God gave me the revelation of his redemption plan in Acts 2:38+39 (above)

Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see!
                                                                                                                                 ~John Newton

REFLECTIONS:
~Have you been scared of rejection and condemnation and allowed your heart to be cold towards God?
~Has someone shown you compassion when you didn't deserve it? Have you shown someone compassion when they didn't deserve it?
~Have you received the revelation of God's redemption plan and applied it to your life? It is available to everyone!
~Have you felt God's Amazing Grace?

Thank you for reading my testimony! If you are enjoying this series please share with your friends! Continue to Part 4 - Angel's Among Us! You won't want to miss it!

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My Testimony - Part 2 - A Path Of Sin!

I'm writing my testimony in parts because it is so long. Don't forget to read Part 1 first!

"But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway." 1 Corinthians 9:27

I would love to be able to say that I have always been obedient to God's word and followed his commandments faithfully. But that is simply not the case.

Sarah age 17.

I became complacent in my relationship with Jesus Christ. I was not guarded with my faith and I allowed the devil to influence my life. I suddenly had new "friends". I began sneaking out and doing things I knew my mom would not approve of. Hey, I didn't even approve of them. But other kids were having so much fun and I wanted to have fun too, right! Wrong! I was miserable in my sin. I never got high, I got depressed. I never got drunk, I got depressed. I never had fun, I just hated myself for being rebellious, but I kept trying! I began listening to the wrong voice, the voice of lies and deception and corruption.

I realized that partying was not for me and quit after only a few short months. But sadly I was too late to protect myself. The devil had taken full advantage of my time under his influence, and a tragedy occurred that would scar me for life. "Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary; the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour."  1 Peter 5:8 Those scars ran incredibly deep and wide. I was shocked that just a few months of rebellion could cause so much damage, but it did. And my life will never be the same again because of the choices I made. I knew God wanted me back safe in his arms, but I was ashamed. Ashamed of my behavior, ashamed of my rebellion, ashamed of the damage I had done to myself and others, ashamed that I could walk away from my God who loves me so much and gave so much for me, his life in fact. And yet I had turned my back on him.

That guilt and shame threatened to consume me. I did not realize I was still very much under the influence of the devil. There were two voices calling out to me, but I did not like the conviction I was feeling so I listened to the one I thought was "comforting" me instead. I became depressed, I withdrew myself from the church and good influences in my life. I didn't want them to see me this way. Dirty and ugly and condemned. My mother was very concerned for me and sent me to counseling. I went to a Christian College hoping to cover my sins with my good deeds, but it did not happen. I was saddened that there was as much partying amongst the "Christians" as there was with non-Christians. Not everybody at the school was living this sinful lifestyle, but somehow they always seemed to find me and the devil would play with my mind that I could never get deliverance from his torment. I had sinned, and I would pay for eternity for the destruction I had caused.

Sarah age 18.

Most people didn't know how badly I was suffering. I always knew how to have fun, and I could laugh and tell jokes and "pray" just like everybody else. One day in college a girl approached me and asked if she could shave my head bald. I said why not, it will grow back. (I was too scared to get a tattoo! Thank you Jesus!) With my bald head I felt ugly and sinful and disgusting, just like I felt on the inside. But nobody recognized my cry for help. And when asked how I was doing I would always make a joke about how great life was. It wasn't!

When I came home after only one year at college I realized something had to change. I had wasted an entire year running from my past, from myself and mostly from God. I didn't want to live like this one more day.

But how would I find God after I had run away for so long, and buried so many things deep in my heart? I decided I was going to go to every church possible until I found him. I knew I needed to go to a church that preached against sin but also taught about forgiveness and hope. It sounds simple, right? Sadly it wasn't! I visited church after church and all they taught about was God's love. Yes I knew God loved me and that was wonderful, but what next? I was still being tormented everyday. I prayed, "God I know you are out there but I can't seem to find you. Help me to find you! I need you more then I ever have before. Please don't make me live in this torment forever!" And God heard my prayers!

He sent Dustin to show me the way!

REFLECTIONS:
~Did you know the devil is out to rob you at any possible moment? That is why it is so important to guard our relationship with Christ and not let anything get between us and the cross. The Apostle Paul even warns about staying close to God "lest I myself be a castaway".
~Have you taught your children about the dangers behind sin and the damage it can cause? Sin will take you further then you want to go and keep you there longer then you want to stay.
~Have you seen abnormal behaviors in your children? They may be warning signs that something is not right in their heart.
~Have you seen someone hurting but were afraid to approach them and "interfere"? You may just be an answer to their prayers!
~If you are that person crying out, I urge you to pray and ask God for direction! He will not leave you comfortless and will guide you to the resources you need to help you!

Thank you for following along with my testimony! Continue to Part 3 - Redemption - God's Amazing Grace! If you are enjoying this series please share with your friends!

Have you been encouraged by Treasures of Faith?If so, won’t you subscribe and receive our latest posts sent to your inbox or RSS feed?You may also connect with us on Facebook and Twitter, or follow us via Google Friend Connect.